Playing happy families?
by Doggyrooroo
Summary: Being with Lorraine, Nikki didn't imagine she'd have a family but there is more hidden behind the blond benefactors exterior than she knows. Will this lead to a break up or will they become a happy family?
1. Chapter 1

Sitting opposite Nikki one evening in the pub for a drink. Even though we'd been on a few dates already I still don't know where to look, I'm blushing slightly tonight might be the night and I'm so nervous I haven't done this dating thing in so long. I had a good feeling about this and I didn't want to screw it up. Lorraine you ok?' Nikki asked softly, tracing her finger over the top of the beer bottle. I was wringing my hands in my lap, my perfectly manicured red nails pinching my milky complexion. 'Yeah….dates make me nervous.' Nikki smiled up at me in a sympathetic manner. 'You?' I quickly added. 'Of course, see I never imagined the beautiful blond benefactor so determined and bossy could be this shy really.' Smirking at me, nudging my ribs. I giggled and played along. 'Not so sure yourself Boston bruiser.' I picked up the red wine sipping it carefully to avoid smudging my lipstick. Nikki herself was plainer with little makeup but she didn't need it, she was stunning. 'Want another?' I gestured to the empty lager glass on the polished wooden table with the black corner sofa we had occupied. I had let the last few drops linger in the glass. 'Sure thanks Lo.' She smiled and I stood ordering another bringing it back. She had left a gap for me, edging closer slowly without freaking me out to much, obviously a hint, and one which I obliged too sitting ever closer feeling her warmth radiating out. We started off talking about the usual; the school, kids, teachers, Nik made me laugh with her impression of Christine. Then silent for a moment the alcohol bringing that slightly awkward tension until Nik giggled tracing my forearm with her hand. We stared into each other's gaze her brilliant blue eyes looking into mine. I carefully reached out in front of me folding a strand of her soft dark hair that ebbed at her cheekbone behind her ear cupping her cheek. Without realising I was almost on top of her, her arm sweeped instantly around my petite waist encasing me into her body protectively. 'Wanna go back to my place?' she slurred slightly intoxicated winking. I wasn't used to Nikki flirting as suggestively as usually we went slowly but I think this was the invitation to go the full way. I quickly ran my palm down the seams of my dress trying to make it less sweaty before gripping Nikki's long slender firm fingers in my own.

The drive I spent trying to calm myself down and sober Nikki slightly, she was able to down a beer or two but I wanted to make sure she was going to consent herself willingly and not just as a drunken matter of cause. The cool breeze felt nice against my pale skin, my hair flying freely as I drove racing down the road in the cherry red Ferrari. Preparing myself I slid my hand from the top of the gearstick to Nikki's thigh, claiming her as my own.

The next thing I know I'm in her bedroom as a fully consenting adult doing something I hadn't done in a while, resisting the urge to throw up and run away when all I wanted really was to caress her body, kiss and hold her all night. She unzips my dress, leaving me in my underwear so I carefully unbutton her shirt so she's in her bra pushing her down roughly so I can clamber on top entangling my legs within hers, biting her lip softly carefully afraid of hurting her at first until she responds more passionately like an invitation to carry on. Now completely naked in this sea of soft sheets rolling over so she's comfortably on top streaming all down my body a mixture of kisses soft and rough and nibbles at my ear, sucking at my pulse. At first I follow her lead afraid to mess up but losing myself to Nikki was unlike my last time; I'd never wanted anyone more ever. Other times without a care in the world, losing myself to any old person, with Nikki I saw a future, but even then she still didn't know the full story I took deep a deep breath as she was touching my breasts waiting for my reaction as I arched my back. Our clothes lay in a heap on the floor as me made sweet love, my tongue exploring the innards of her mouth. She was continually running her hands through my hair contently. I can't move any closer, our lips crashing together, our hearts pounding against our chest in sync. 'Lo, you're beautiful.' She whispers into my ear. I blush slightly mainly from what she said but also the heat. 'Not as stunning as you, not by even half!' 'You don't give yourself enough credit.' She replied kissing my temple. We took it in turns to climax after tingling at the feel of each other's body under our fingertips. The ecstasy and delight and love, passion in her beautiful blue orbs gazing into mine, clawing the bed sheets as I finish what I started. Her deep breaths slowed down, calming as she carried on from where I left off. Once I was moaning her name her tearing my underwear away with her teeth, moving along the line edging closer to a sight for sorry eyes in my opinion, Nikki seemed to take everything in her stride like she did at work, any problems slid past her she worked with the flow. What I was scared of she managed to make into a painless experience that I clearly was enjoying sweating with a wet patch where I'd been lying pinned underneath her. Pushing me over the edge, the electrical impulse rushing through my nervous system, all on edge feeling every touch. I wrap my arms around her toned stomach and waist satisfied and fell asleep.

I awoke to Nikki's rough breathe against my cheek, rubbing her nose in an eskimo kiss against my own. It was a Saturday so a leisurely get up would have been nice, nice to spend time with the woman I loved so intently, enjoying every minute and second to life, until everything came rushing back to me as she made a deep confession. 'Lo…I love you.' I would have loved to reply with 'I love you too.' And to carry on lying there, tight and warm in her embrace, maybe we'd carry off from where we ended last night, calm and serene accepted in society with the one we loved the most. Her confession had caught me off guard and I remembered somewhere I had to be. 'Oh…..shit.'I jumped out of the bed grabbing my clothes frantically. Her eyes saddened slightly looking lost and possibly scared, worried what she'd done wrong to scare me off. 'Lo…everything ok?' she asked confused furrowing her eyebrows and scrunching her nose, she looked so thoughtful and cute when she did that. 'I forgot, I have to be somewhere, sorry.' 'Lo…..' I smiled awkwardly before pulling on my dress all too quickly rushing out the door leaving Nikki lying there in the messed up once crisp sheets all alone.

It's all over too soon and I sat there in the car tears threatening to spill from my overtired eyes, wondering why and how I had got in this mess in the first place. In the ideal world I'd be with Nikki still but as I pull up into the gravel driveway rushing down the path, pulling off my shoes in a haze fumbling for the key in my bag Sonya opens the door looking slightly pissed at me. 'What time do you call this? You said one drink Lorraine, one, you left at like 7:30pm it's now 8:30 am!' 'Son, sorry I was…' 'Well you better be, I can't keep doing this for much longer, you're a mum and you need to start acting like one.' She said sternly before storming down the driveway climbing into her battered car. 'Mummy?'


	2. Chapter 2

'Mummy?' A little girl, my very own daughter stood at the doorway in her pj's rubbing her eyes sleepily not really aware of what was going on around her, I'm guessing the raised voices had woken her up. She had long blonde hair that waved slightly, little pearly teeth and a pale milky complexion one that mirrored mine; she was the spitting image of me just younger. Good job she didn't look like her father I had always thought. 'Yes sweetie?' I answered quietly not wanting to draw any attention to our house, even though as it was bigger than your average house there were neighbours slightly further out. 'Where'd Auntie Sonya go?' she looked puzzled screwing her nose, walking towards me arms raised out hinting for me to lift her. 'She had to leave baby girl but mummy is home now.' I explained lifting her onto my hip carefully. She yawned. 'Uh someone is becoming a big girl for me to keep doing this, you sleepy Ellie?' She nodded nuzzling her head close into my neck gripping her arms tightly around me, one hand tightly clawing onto my dress, her long blonde hair covering her bright blue eyes. I carried her back into her bedroom, carefully stepping around some of her dolls that Sonya hadn't tidied away before placing Ellie carefully on her bed with the pink duvet covers. Her whole room was pink; her favourite colour, she was a little girlie girl, probably would have reminded my mum of me as a child if she was still around, she's well and alive but not lucid at all. I kissed her forehead tucking her in. 'Love you mummy.' My three year old daughter whispered. 'Love you too Ells.' She pulled her teddy into her grasp, the one thing she had kept since the day she was born and they were inseparable, we always had our worst fights when he was about to go for a spin in the washing machine.

Although recently finding Nikki, I had felt like a bad mother, spending time at work, dumping her at day-care, nursery, with Sonya. I couldn't bear the thought of Nikki finding out about me, about Ellie. What would happen to our relationship then? I felt like I'd build a castle of cards out of lies, one pull or tug and the whole thing will fall, more and more difficult to rebuild especially on a slippery slope. Plugging my phone into the charger at the wall I saw a text from Nikki _Sorry about this morning, hope I didn't scare you off too much, see you soon, I love you, Nikki xx _I groaned slightly.

Monday morning found itself pretty quick after that, after spending the rest of the weekend avoiding Nikki's texts and watching my daughter play tea party with all her stuffed bears and dollies. Dropping her off at school, again another reason to feel bad, although she was three already and growing so fast, I always felt like I was letting her go to do something else. No wonder everyone else saw me as the money grabbing, work obsessed troll. They didn't know the real me and I wasn't ready for them to find out I was a mother either. I parked smoothly, grateful my car had tinted windows covering Ellie's booster seat in the back. Nikki was standing by her 4x4 flicking her keys up and down in her hand. She smiled before making her way over, quickly I grabbed my bag out anxious for her not to see anything hidden in my car before slamming the door. My heels clicked across the car park as I approached her. 'Morning Nik.' My bright cockney accent shining through. 'Morning Lorraine, why have you got a stuffed bear poking out your bag?' she said gesturing towards . I froze for a second thinking about how best to deal with the situation. 'Well there's a lot you don't know about me .' flirting with her seemed like the way to go. 'Ok and you and a massive collection of bears might be one?' she nudged my ribs, pulling me in quick for a short friendly embrace. 'I'm kidding.' She added. I sighed. 'You alright this morning?' she asked. 'Yeah fine, just a Monday you know, not really feeling it, how about yourself, sorry for the other night.' 'Look Lorraine it's fine really, it was too fast for you, we'll take it slower, whatever happens next I'll still be here anyway I'd better get going, morning meeting don't want to look suspicious.' She winked before speeding up into the door holding it open for me. My phone rung pulling it out my bag _Nursery_ flashed on the screen, I rejected the call, shoving the phone back into my bag, whatever was wrong they could deal with it, I had grown tired of being called every time she had a runny nose or a tickle in her throat or was sleepy, I had important meetings to get on with.


	3. Chapter 3

'Right budgets!' I announced in front of the bunch of overtired, overworked teachers, although fresh from the weekend still very sleepy. Tons of them holding steamy coffees close like their life depended on it, totally relying on the caffeine to wake them up. Nikki sat next to Tom, leaning on the arm of the chair looking disinterested but I swear once or twice I caught her staring at my chest. Seeing Tom with Nikki always made me so jealous, a surge of the green eyed monster waiting to leap from being dormant with every touch, every time he called her 'Nik.' A nickname I wanted to keep for myself. I wanted her all to myself, if I didn't know she was gay I would have been a lot more suspicious, eyeing up Tom's every move, slick like a panther, I wasn't sure whether he knew about her, about us. It's probably best they don't have a clue, knowing my sister Sonya that I hired as Michael's PA she's bound to mouth off sometimes, keeping quiet and keeping secrets was never her strong point, even as a child she was the one to tell everyone about my latest crush or every little mistake her imperfect sister made. I and she were like polar opposites, no one looked at me the same way as Sonya though, Sonya was the nice one, I was pretty but business like, the one with no time of day for family matters. The look on mum's face when Sonya told her about me being pregnant with some guy She had deteriorated rapidly after that, we'd known she was forgetting small details but a quick rush and she didn't even remember Lorraine to be me at all, as far as she knew I was a 'friend' of Lorraine's. She loved it when I brought her cake but after I gave birth to Ellie, I'd visited less, it was hard to explain to my small girl why her gran didn't know her, why she didn't really have a dad, why me and Sonya argued and now telling her I've got a girlfriend. It's a lot for my little one to take in.

'We need to cut back, there will be staff cuts and subjects being removed, it's not going to be easy but we'll sort it, you'll need to fill a quota, more of which will be explained later.' I handed around the sheet containing the numbers needed for each subjects; the core and the extra. 'Lorraine is this necessary?' Michael questioned arrogantly. 'Look it's either this or no school at all, I suggest we all make adjustments or you can volunteer to leave and collect your P45 today.' I may be stubborn and pig-headed sometimes but I knew I was right, he hadn't sat through countless meetings with a agent someone budgeting the school, my accountant making sure I didn't slip. Although putting aside a sizeable amount of money for the school, my money wasn't renewing or getting bigger, it was dwindling and I was having to make every effort possible to prove it was still a viable investment. Thing is since Michael had got my interest in education I wanted to do everything humanely possible to keep my dream, our dream alive. 'Any announcements?' Michael asked before the door burst open to Sonya looking stressed and fed up. 'Lorraine!' She hissed in a stage-whisper so everyone still heard. 'What Son! I'm busy!' I retorted. 'I suggest you answer your phone next time.' 'What Son I told you I'm in a meeting wait for a minute outside, I'll see you when I'm done ok?' I thought this conversation had ended for a minute so I turned my back on the open door. 'No it's not ok Lorraine, it's not ok, you always dump me in it, they had to call me to come and get her.' She replied poking her head in the door further. By this time everyone in the staffroom had gone quiet staring like watching a show waiting to happen, the scene unravelling in front of them was clearly quite entertaining. 'Sonya!' I raised my voice. 'What Lorraine you can't keep this a secret forever, I'm tired of being a mum for you!' she shouted. I dug my nails into my arm, this hurt slightly but I felt so embarrassed and hurt, my pride smashed and burned in front of everyone, I couldn't even look Nikki in the eye. 'We can come back?' Tom suggested pointing to the door. 'Son please.' I almost begged. Sonya lifted her arm in front of her Ellie attached; she then walked over to me sucking her thumb. I held out my hand, tears threatening to spill. 'Nursery said she wasn't feeling well, she wasn't responding like her usual self no doubt you didn't let her take .' 'We're done here.' I finished with Sonya in a cold business manner with a closed off exterior despite the fact I was breaking inside. Ellie had red rimmed puffy eyes, she'd been sobbing. I picked her up onto my hip. 'Mummy I don't feel well.' She murmured. The shock and the silence in the room enough to hear a pin drop; my secret was well and truly out.


	4. Chapter 4

Their sleepy eyes no longer tired full of the shock, anger, disappointment, surprise; I could feel their eyes almost boring a hole in my head, judging me as if they knew my full story and where Ellie had really come from. I smoothed Ellie's hair out of her eyes, holding her head closer into my neck, keeping her out of this. 'I…I have to go.' I evacuated myself from the room as quick as my heels would allow, clicking down the corridor. 'Woahh Miss didn't realise you were a mum!' Jodie squealed excitedly not realising that I wasn't in the mood. 'Not now!' I snapped harsher than intended. Reaching the car I strapped Ellie into her seat, she looked so sleepy as soon as we set off I was almost certain she'd drop off snoring. She didn't understand the drama around her although usually she'd sense if something wasn't right, she was quite sensitive for a little girl. 'Lorraine wait please!' Nikki was racing her way across the car park towards me. I slammed the door, turning to face her arms folded against my chest, closing myself off from the world, a habit I had picked up years ago, I wasn't used to letting people in, usually the effects could be disastrous and I'd be left to deal with the consequences. 'Are you ok to be driving?' Is all that she asked, her lips pursed slightly as she awkwardly tucked her hands into her blazer pockets, sleeves rolled up so she gave a relaxed impression, really I could tell there was more she had to say. 'Look Nikki, I can't do this now, any of this!' I shrugged trying not to show my true emotions, running my hand through my hair trying to untangle the knots. 'So what are you saying?' she asked politely slightly heartbroken at the words I had said attempting but failing at imagining the worst was about to happen and she was right. 'I'm sorry Nik.' A tear fell fast down her cheek as I turned my back on the one person that I believed I had truly felt for.

At home things weren't to get much better either, the grey clouds cascading over Greenock, looking likely to pour with rain, it didn't begin to explain how I felt inside when things were about to get a lot worse. The front door was ajar, I didn't want to panic as it could be Sonya, the pool cleaner, any one of the people that I sometimes see, Imogen's mum waiting for my personal workout although she'd know I was at work and we usually meet by the beach railings, overlooking the water. The amount of laps I'd run around there, the amount of abs crunches, press ups, she paid for herself with the workout I received, she could do with giving the kids a kick up the… I got out the car cautiously, maybe I was imagining things and I'd just forgotten to lock the door with a lot on my mind, rubbing my eyes and fumbling in my handbag for my phone just in case, Ellie tiptoed out of the car behind me and I didn't realised. 'Mummy?' she put her hand on my leg and I screamed turning around. She immediately burst into tears. 'Oh sorry angel mummy didn't see you there!' I exclaimed bending down to kiss her forehead, she gave a weak smile through the tears.

'Neither did I.' A low masculine voice came from the doorway. I gulped feeling the bile rise in my throat, not a feeling I wanted although hearing that noise, the clearing of his throat it was a feeling I had grown accustomed too. The half-grown stubble looks, the man made his presence clear towering over the doorway. 'Luke what are you doing here?' I demanded holding Ellie close behind my back keeping her safe, she had no idea what he was capable of, neither did I as a naïve young adult learning about life and finding my first romance. 'I'm here to see my daughter.' He folded the muscly arms across his body menacingly, putting me on edge. 'I won't allow that, not after all you've done!' I replied, I wasn't letting him anywhere near my little girl. The defences came into play automatically, mothers affection for her 'Well how about we let Ellie decide, she is my daughter after all you can't stop me seeing her!' he spat back. 'I can if I tell them about what you did!' my stomach twisted with the anxiety thinking back to it all, sometimes even now I'd wake up in cold sweats after the nightmares and the horror of what he did. 'What did I do though?' he raised his eyebrows mockingly jaunting towards me like the jester of some circus, taunting teasing reminds me of high school, being the failure again until Michael pulled me out the big black hole I had dug and taught me the importance of education and the passion of teaching and sharing with others. 'I'm not going into it ok?!' I cried out. 'No one could believe you, look at how pathetic you are Lo!' he laughed spitting in my face. 'I'm pathetic, look at yourself! How dare you come here demanding to see Ellie! And don't call me Lo, my name is Lorraine!' the way he called me Lo made me feel sick, the only person I allowed to call me what was Nikki when I called her Nik, his voice like the dark pit I had been stuck in made me crawl with the sick diseased feeling. I felt more vulnerable as he made his way towards me, my voice begun to waver lightly, gripping onto Ellie tighter. I blinked repeatedly constantly trying to stop the tears from falling, imagining Nikki's face in the back of my mind. He was unpredictable and even with the flip of a switch he'd go from being the caring boyfriend to someone who'd beat me to a pulp without a care in the world. When I was younger I hadn't seen it but with the flip of the coin landing on the worse fate, once I was sitting in the bathroom struggling to breath from my panic attack, bathing my wounds in salty water puddles streaming from my face, I knew I deserved better. Then I found out I was pregnant so I left, had Ellie and never looked back.

He grabbed onto the top of my dress dragging me inside, Ellie sensing the danger ran to her room shutting the door. My hands were clammy, my body shaking, glancing at the closed door, my only means of escape taken away, I was trapped. 'I think you need reminding of why we were so good together.' He unzipped my dress and I slapped his hand away. 'You'll regret doing that.' He growled in my ear biting roughly on the lobe. 'Unless you found someone else?' he questioned angrily. 'I…I….I.' 'You are, aren't you?' 'No!' he slapped me straight across the face, his grip painful and too tight. 'Don't lie!' he pushed me against the wooden flooring, my head hit the table as I fell, smashed glass, the searing pain on my head and body as Luke carried on with what he used to do, I couldn't bare looking. His eyes scouring over my sapphire ones making sure I was concentrating only on him. I could feel his hot breathe on my leg as I passed out, head swimming and spinning twirling and the darkness finally succumbed to me; black no other colour and Nikki's bright eyes in my head, like my guardian angel.


	5. Chapter 5

Lorraine had dismissed me and us; I didn't know what to do anymore, she obviously had problems and things going on in her personal life but all I wanted was a chance to sit down talk about it and see where the land lays. I ran my hand through my hair sighing deeply as I watched her car roll smoothly out of the driveway towards the huge Waterloo Road sign and speed up down the road. There was nothing more I could do now anyway so I headed back to the PRU with a massive cup of caffeine; this had to help get me through the day also a burst of confidence in myself. This rejection reminded me of times being a teenage girl crushing on people you know you can't have but you can't stop yourself believing this might actually happen anyway. My heart will always rule my head. With Lorraine I thought I was actually getting somewhere, seeing a break in her cold exterior, breaking down her defences, this massive bravado and seeing the beautiful sensitive woman within who needed someone to look after her, remind her that she was beautiful. There was more going on than what meets the eye and I wanted to be there for her so much, I didn't know how because every time she pushed me away a piece of me gets lost or stuck and I feel unwanted like a spare part I guess.

I couldn't feel any more disinterested in work if I tried, my passion for teaching lost as I stared at my phone waiting for a text, a sign from Lorraine that maybe she was just in a bad mood and she wanted me there with her, I certainly wasn't giving my child or no child. 'Something's up with Boston.' I heard whispers between Rhiannon and Jodie. The rustling of sheets, Barry saw this as an opportunity to cause mischief as usual. 'Earth to Miss!' he threw a pencil at my desk, narrowly missing my face. 'Barry, do you really think that was a good idea?' he shrugged, mission complete in his head as he got a reaction; whether it be positive or negative he was like a plant or weed that just grew out of any attention paid towards him or his behaviour. He thrived from it. 'Drill at lunchtime and that goes for anyone else who can't sit still long enough without reverting back to a childlike stage.' Sometimes I felt like I worked in a zoo or a nursery not a high school. Having been through some painful experiences at school it had always surprised me that I managed to end up back where I started, like the circle of life I hadn't moved anywhere, just grown old. The shrill ring from my phone broke the silence that came quickly after. 'Miss you shouldn't be on that in class!' Kacey pointed out, after the amount of times that I had confiscated their phones I guess she had a point but I'd left it out for a reason. 'Sit still and carry on, I want to see a page written by the time I get back!' I demanded before closing the PRU lock on them making my way down the corridor to a quieter location knowing for well I shouldn't be doing this during school hours but when I saw _Lorraine _flash up on the screen, my inquisitive side just had to pick up to see what she had to say for herself.

'Hello.' I answered automatically. There was a silence and a lot of rustling down the line. 'Hello…..Lorraine?' I asked again, clearer and slightly louder in case it was just a bad reception. I hear a small voice on the end of the line, it wasn't Lorraine on her phone, it was her daughter but what was she doing ringing me? 'Help me please!' she called out sounding like she was going to cry. 'Hey…..Ellie is it?' I needed to get to the bottom of the situation. 'Mummy is hurt please help.' She begged, sobbing uncontrollably. 'Are you at home?' I asked again cautiously, although scared myself at how badly Lorraine could be hurt and whether her daughter was in any immediate danger. 'Mmhhmm.' she continued to cry. 'Ellie listen to me, I want you to go call for some help ok, I'm on my way, is mummy breathing?' My experience in the army showed me that I needed to know before it was too late; I also knew that with children it was essential to explain and go through every small detail. She had better be ok, I honestly don't know what I'd do without Lorraine and what would happen to little Ellie? 'I can't…please.' 'Why not sweetie?' Carefully treading as to not break the ice or scare her off, I needed her to trust me enough to say and to tell me right now, time was running out. 'Daddy did it!' And that was enough for me, I ran out the doorway faster than I'd done in a while, it was a weird feeling like I couldn't feel my legs, pure adrenaline and fear rushing through my entire body and existence.

By the time I had reached the house, I couldn't prepare myself for the sight; my body was shaking but the power to keep going for them pushed me on. The door already ajar, the window open curtain waving; he'd escaped. Lorraine however was in for a worse fate; the ominous feeling of death arose. She was cold, freezing even lying in a puddle of her own blood, her head cut, and her beautiful body destroyed, left still and broken. How could something so beautiful be destroyed? Checking her pulse, the faint beating of her heart under my hands, ambulance sirens piercing, screeching getting closer. I know moving her could have disastrous effects, I just wanted her to be safe and heal under my touch but this wasn't some fairy-tale with the true loves kiss healing all wounds, some were too deep to save, where nothing could solve the problems. Ellie hid under a table her blue orbs staring at me, making sure I was safe to approach. 'Ellie its ok, I'm going to help your mummy! Are you hurt?' She shook her head weakly. She looked pale, I wanted to pull her in for a cuddle and protect her but Lorraine was my first priority. 'Can you tell me what happened?' 'Daddy hurt mummy, mummy said I should hide.' She informed me her eyes studying my facial features trying to recognise me, pick me out from the crowd, friend or foe? The paramedics rushed around me, covering Lorraine from my view, her face disappeared. The lift and inspect her limp body, carrying her on a stretched to the ambulance. I ran away from work, by now they'll have realised I'm gone, I turn off my phone so I become un-contactable except from Lorraine and Ellie, the people who need me more than anyone else. They can deal with the chaos I left behind at work, the chaos in here just getting started. I picked Ellie up onto my hip; she was too weak to kick and scream or cry she just retched and threw up all over the floor looking at Lorraine, her mother being taken away. She was shaking so I just did all I could do for her, pull her into a hug smoothing the pad of her hand with my thumb, reminding me of myself as the teen crying uncontrollably about sexual orientation questions making a big deal out of every little thing, the time when I fell for my best friend, the time when I told my parents, when I had my first kiss, it all rushed by leaving me here in this moment, trying to comfort a little girl who has almost lost everything when I feel like I've lost what I truly care


	6. Chapter 6

I felt as if every word I muttered turned to blood as I recited them; just empty words and empty promises. Poor little Ellie, only three she'd already seen and been through a lot. I didn't know much about her past but by the sounds of it, it wasn't a particularly pleasant one. There was little I could do to assure her that Lorraine would be ok as I could barely feel optimistic myself. These empty words didn't mean a thing and the last thing she needed were promises by adults, people she should feel like she can trust and then not keeping them. We climbed out of the ambulance and Lorraine was rushed into emergency surgery. 'Is mummy going to be ok?' Ellie struggled to string words together in between sobs, rubbing her eyes and clinging onto my blazer. 'I don't know, I hope so…' she broke out into hysterical crying, like a new born clearing out their lungs for the first time. 'Hey…hey Ellie , the doctors and nurses are going to take great care of her and she should be ok, she'll wake up…..she has too.' I made an effort to be more positive, my smiles looking like a grimace as I spoke words of hope to the little girl looking at me through long blonde locks and watery eyes. Ellie the spitting image of Lorraine; a little stunner.

The hospital was bright, reminding me of deaths door, the times spent at church as a little girl, hearing about heaven and hell, and the bright light before death. When I met Lorraine everything had changed and I thought she was my heaven; I hadn't believed in god for a while but I believed in something greater than myself yet to be discovered, I believed in love and I believed in hope. At the same time nothing was going to hit me harder than life, with the swing of a bat, my bat changing to curve ball; I had ended up here. With Lorraine my reason I was here seemed clear, I wanted to spend every waking moment with her, holding her hand, protecting her like the good man in a storm, the woman I was raised to be. My idea of hell had varied, changing from Satan and the devil to fear itself and now losing Lorraine would bring myself to lose the will to live; how could I live with myself? My theory was that if I had stopped her, she wouldn't have gone home; she wouldn't have run into Ellie's father wherever he had gone and we wouldn't be in this mess. I took my blazer off, letting Ellie clamber on top of my lap, clinging her arms around my neck like leaving home for the first time. Wrapping it around her shoulders she took in a deep sniff of the jacket holding it close for comfort, it also smelt of safety not to mention Lorraine's expensive perfume from where I wrapped her in it often, she was like a sugar mouse in the rain or cold, this is why I had hung it carefully, taking it for myself today for pleasure, the need and want to feel close to her, today of all days.

Looking at Ellie, she poked her head out of my shoulder, her little toes, I could see and count all ten of them scrunched onto the chair behind were we were wrapped in an embrace on the plastic clinic style chairs that didn't make waiting any easier. Her eyes contained a certain look, sadness from stories I would never know. 'Do you work with mummy?' she asked me quietly after a while, making me jump, was dangerous pulling me out of a deep place, losing my train of thought. 'Yes, I'm a teacher at the school your mum funds.' 'You like mummy?' she asked, bright for a little one, she clearly took after her mother. 'Yes, more than anyone, I love her so much.' I admitted, feeling the weight of my confession loosen, breathing coming a little easier.

'Hello ?' the nurse questioned over the top of her clipboard looking quizzically. 'Yes…Is Lorraine ok? Where is she?' I spoke fast and couldn't control the speed even if I tried, I was shaking underneath. 'She should be ok…she lost a lot of blood, had a head injury, chances are she'll make a full recovery but brain damage could be possible. We'll need to take a statement later, but of course you may see her first.' She replied answering every question I had accept; what would happen if she couldn't remember? Would not remembering be worse than death? Ellie ran ahead clearly expecting to see Lorraine up, talking like normal. Children were more resilient, they were more optimistic, believed in the lighter side, magic, happiness; she'd come back from worse. Seeing Lorraine, all pale, vulnerable and bandaged, with an IV full of pain meds and tubes helping her breathe after the op, she still looked beautiful. I guess Ellie saw that it was the same person she knew; she believed she'd be ok. All my fight and will power wouldn't be enough to stop me sinking to my knees. I'd beg to God or to anyone if I knew someone cared enough. Instead I watched like a hawk watching it's takeaway dinner as Ellie climbed onto the chair next to Lorraine's bed patting her leg gently calling 'Wake up Mummy, the doctors will make you better.' I wanted to cry out instead I joined her rubbing my thumb on her hand, removing the strands of hair from her eyes and preying with my whole heart that she'd wake up soon.


	7. Chapter 7

We sat there for what seemed like days when in fact it had only been a couple of hours. I wouldn't have shifted for even a second sitting there all night, wanting to be there for when she woke up but a gentle prod at reminding us visiting hours were dwindling and we needed to leave, especially as I couldn't prove myself to be an intimate member of the family. Sonya came rushing in at that moment. 'Oh God Lorraine.' She made her way over to the bed encasing her hand with Lo's. 'Auntie Sonya.' Ellie smiled for what seemed like the first time, a fresh set of pearly white milky baby teeth emerging through her pretty pink lips. Sonya sweeped her into her slightly chubby arms compared to Lorraine's slender ones. 'Thanks for letting me know Nikki, also taking care of Ellie.' These guys were all a family, something I wasn't a part of even though holding Ellie for a while left me dreaming that she was part of me too. Lorraine lying pretty still, my angel taken away from me, my hold too far away; it wasn't the same without her gorgeous accent, her cocky jokes, impressions, laughs, the feel of her lips on mine oh so soft and warm at the same time. 'I'll see you soon. Bye Ellie.' I nodded my head before respectfully backing out of the room.

Wandering back down the corridors that all look the same, I'd lose my way if it wasn't for the signs all pointing towards the exit. Arriving at her house all I could expect to see, my heart pounding in my chest, butterflies emerging was a gorgeous tangle of those same blonde cascading locks that I loved the feel of, the pair of startling mesmerising blue sapphire eyes, a laugh, a word, a whisper but instead only silence not even the company of my little sidekick, the only person who could really sympathise in this unhappy ending or just the beginning although she was showing little signs of waking. Making my way towards the kitchen I see the puddle of blood with the shape of her head indented inside. Grabbing the sponge and disinfectant, after scouring all the cupboards near I wiped, scrubbed and cleaned up the mess. Reminding me of the time I was in the barracks, watching my friend die on a mission, feeling their life slip away leaving me holding their blood-stained head in my lap awaiting rescue from the bright helicopter above. I feel cold and empty, my feelings polar opposite to the house; it's modern and new, I felt vulnerable and old like on deaths door. I walk around contemplating my next move, scared that he'll return, scared that she'll die, scared for Ellie, scared for myself. It wasn't long before the tears were falling, spilling down my cheeks warm and fast, no one could hold emotions for that long.

After a while I go and wipe the tears from my face with a shaking hand. I shouldn't be ashamed to admit I was crying although I'm terrified of what's in store for us and what it all means. I make my way through the house thinking packing a bag with some supplies for Lorraine and Ellie might be a good idea, thoughtful. Feeling as if I'm living in a nightmare, my views of heaven and hell now seriously twisted and deluded. Lorraine and her house full of material goods, her money could buy everything but it didn't buy the love I have for her, something so strong it would never fade. She should also realise that the most important things in her life were never leaving. I mean if she died, Ellie would be ok, she's young and resilient she'd bounce back with Sonya right behind but where would that leave me and who would I have to look out for? Picking out some clothes from her room, all small pink and girly gosh she was like her mother, one day she'd be the most gorgeous woman in all the land. Lorraine is my treasure, I've found what I've been searching for so I guess it's a case of stuffing it all in your trouser pockets, your back pocket, saving what you've got for the next rainy day as you never know what life has around the corner for you. All Lorraine's clothes after, exquisite probably more money that I'll ever earn, make her look sexy, slim, business like. All I want to see her in is her own beautiful skin, a pair of sweats and her naked face clean from makeup, one that only I had seen so far, keeping something so tender and rare aside for myself. Shutting myself in the bathroom I break down, my back against the door, I felt like I was walking this world alone, cold with no emotion except I was feeling everything under the sun. Staring at the cold floor, this pain made it seem comfortable. I picked up the razor, I couldn't could I? Carefully feeling it in the tips of my finger I let myself consider a lot of different options from now on.

Meanwhile:

'Oh Lo, we knew he was bad news please tell me you didn't go back to him.' Sonya cried, Ellie had fallen asleep in the chair flat out exhausted. Hearing a deep breath and I slight moan. 'Lo….Lo speak to me it's Sonya you're sister, you're gonna be ok Lorraine?' she questioned. 'Nik.' Lorraine breathed. 'No it's Sonya.' She replied. 'Nikki' Lorraine breathed before her eye lids and lashes fluttered before finally sticking with being shut. Lorraine had been out with Nikki that night, not Luke at all, this was all coming out. No wonder Nikki looked so depressed to leave, but had she been the one to do this to Lorraine? Sonya sat there trembling, clutching the bed sheet beside Lorraine. Is anything as it seems?


	8. Chapter 8

Cutting back to where I was, transfixed on the crack on the relatively perfect ceiling, myself sat in the room of this relatively perfect woman. I was still carefully holding the razor, one cut could remove me from this relatively perfect world…..time was passing, seconds, minutes as I carefully carried this debate inside my mind. Chances are she wouldn't die; chances are she'll be fine; chances are she'll wake up and have forgotten everything. 50/50 chances, life this big gamble, giving so much and yet everything was falling out of place. I had spent years in the army under attack seeing and living through the worst and achieving something insignificant but Gandhi said that whatever you do in life is insignificant but it's important that you do it. See my life, still so unlived, I couldn't give up yet, even when the skies get rough and the seas are stormy I must learn to sail in the high winds and enjoy the breeze. The sound of the door clicking made me jump so much that it just slipped. 'Shit!' I exclaimed watching the blood drip down my arm from the cut I had made. I almost ran around the bathroom like a headless chicken, one option I had considered was to lie there as long as it took until the river ran dry. Instead I took off my shirt leaving the vest top underneath and wrapped it around my arm tightly, after doing first aid courses I knew pressure and elevation was the answer.

The door opened on me, leaving me feeling utterly exposed to the elements of my raw emotions. Sonya stood there ashen face. 'Nikki….what are you.' I cut her off; her face didn't fill me with any hope at all 'Lorraine…is she.' 'Nikki she's fine, I would have called but I just came back to sort out Ellie.' 'Wait she's ok?!' I scrunched my eyes blocking out the light, cutting my tears in their tracks. 'Yeah asleep but stable she urm spoke in her sleep, she mentioned you, were you with her that night?' Sonya stopped seeming to find what she wanted tricky without offending me. 'She stayed the night with me, we'd had a few drinks, she came back in the morning and I got a phone call from Ellie asking for help after…..what happened so I came and phoned for an ambulance, she was in such a bad state, I didn't know what to do.' I finally admitted to myself that the Boston Bruiser someone who used to be so in control, take charge when problems arose, actually was stuck and needed help. 'You and Lo?' she questioned. I just nodded knowingly. 'I didn't know about Ellie until the morning after…..I really love her you know.' 'Nikki to be honest I haven't seen Lorraine happy with someone ever, I didn't know it was you she was going out with but she's the happiest she's been in a while, her past is complicated but I believe she'll be ok she's strong.' 'She broke up with me.' 'Oh I, I'm sorry.' 'Yeah so am I.' There was a silence, a big jaw dropping pause before Ellie appeared in the doorway looking more awake and slightly happier than before, her long blonde locks sweeped into bunches by Sonya's handy work. 'Nikki.' She squealed running in for a hug. 'Hello Ell, how are you feeling?' 'Better than you look.' She laughed everything down to her sense of humour, sounded identical to Lorraine, what she had just said sounded like something Lorraine said a lot probably where she had got it from. 'Aww come here you, what do you think I need to do to look better then hey?' I smiled unenthusiastically trying my best to be smiley and happy in front of her. 'You need to go and see mummy and ask for her to take you back!' she exclaimed as if it was the obvious thing to do. 'I'm not sure it's that easy.' Sonya interjected rubbing Ellie's shoulder. 'Auntie Son, Nikki loves mummy they can have a princess wedding.' She giggled kissing me on the cheek and Sonya 'You make mummy happy.' 'Guess that settles it then.' I replied tickling her to the ground forgetting about my arm. 'What did you do to your arm?' she asked. 'Don't worry was an accident.' I replied. 'As long as you're ok, get your arm better then see mummy!' she ordered bossily. 'Yes Mam.' I saluted towards her sliding up from the floor, lifting her up to her feet as she had sat on my lap. If only Lorraine could have witnessed the scene then. Ellie now wanted me in her life.


	9. Chapter 9

Rushing down the corridor towards her room, with only one thing in mind, to bring my girl back home. I had fallen in love with her since my eyes first met hers in the staffroom, when she'd tried to convince a room full of grumpy overworked teachers to move from Rochdale to Greenock. I'd made the move and I think although with everything that had happened, it was for the best and hopefully I'd be as happy today as the first time I held her in my arms. Reaching her room as my eyes adjusted to the darker light, it was so bright outside, the aftermath from the storm. As I laid my eyes upon the sleeping angel, I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else but this beautiful blonde benefactor lying in front of me.

I dumped the bag full of her clothes, trashy magazine which were a secret pleasure of Lorraine's although she'd never admit it, even a few food items if Lorraine was hungry she was grumpy and she wasn't used to the bland hospital food that clearly didn't come with having money. Her eyes fluttered open. 'Nik' she whispered. 'Lorraine.' I didn't want to freak her out too much just yet. 'I just brought some of your clothes and things; I thought you'd miss them from home.' I referred to the bag sitting in the corner of the room. 'I even brought your bear.' I winked before handing her the slightly torn teddy tucking it under the covers next to her, moving her hand with the IV still attached gently so I didn't interfere with the wires. Lorraine had a lot of little secrets and sleeping with was just one of them, she claimed she got lonely and she probably had, she puts her guard up and I think the teddy was a form of comfort; she looked so cute when she slept with it. 'You didn't have to do that.' She mumbled croakily. I picked up the bottle of water, pouring a sizeable amount into the plastic cup putting a straw in the top; she was still a bit too weak to drink normally. Holding it out in front of her, her hand cupping mine. 'Thanks…..can I ask you something?' she looked sheepishly biting the corner of her lip in anxiety. 'Anything.' 'Can you help me change into my pyjamas it's only because it hurts to sit up too much and I have to mind the bandages….if you don't want to its fine.' She quickly added on the end. 'Lo its fine come on.' I helped her sit up and she winced slightly. 'I'm fine.' 'Hmmm your face and the groaning tell me otherwise.' I giggled leaning behind her head to untie the gown. 'Nikki…I feel umm can you try not to look too much.' Instead of looking down at her beautiful complexion of her bare skin I stared the whole time into her stunning blue orbs without breaking the silent promise. Putting her shirt over her head and pulling up her trousers by sliding her onto my lap slightly was tricky but I managed. Pulling back the cover a slight yawn escaped her lips.

Finishing my duties for a minute I decided that if I was going to get her to listen to me it was now or never; what could be the worst to happen? I pulled out a box revealing a carefully cut silver ring to Lorraine's shocked eyes. I crouched down on one knee. 'Nik…..what are you doing?!' she panicked slightly, the heart rate monitor jumped slightly. 'Calm down I don't want to have to be kicked out for distressing the patient.' I reminded her, a slight smile came from her lips. I gulped although my throat was dry, finding it difficult to get the words out in the right order. I had no idea what she would be thinking about any of this or if it was something she wanted with anyone never mind me, she had a lot of other factors to consider.

'Lorraine we've been through a lot. It was only the other day that I found out a bit more about you myself and I was scared and a little annoyed that you felt like you couldn't tell me but none of that could change my feeling about you. When I first saw you I knew that I'd never want to be with anyone else ever. Everything about you even the stubborn tiny imperfections are the most beautiful things to me. I don't think anything I want to say can express how beautiful you are to me. Since the moment I held you in my arms I've never wanted anything else. I love you and your daughter a lot. Lorraine Donnegan will you marry me?' 'Nik….I…I don't think…I.' she was struggling more than me to find the words needed, I could tell she wasn't ready yet but neither was I. 'Lo, I'm only asking to be engaged for now, time to spend with you and Ellie, I just want to show that you're mine and I want you to be happy so…..' she shut me up by kissing my lips. 'Nikki god I love you.' Lorraine little scrunched frown turned into a jaw dropping smile when I kissed the creases on her forehead. A tear trickled down her cheek; I wiped it away with my thumb. 'Yes Nikki yes, now come here you before I kick you out.' She laughed turning her head to the side laughing and crying at the same time. I slipped the ring onto her slender finger kissing it before putting it down on the bed.

I sat nearer her sliding onto the bed next to her wrapping her petite frame against mine. 'Now sleep ok, I need you to get better, then you can come home.' She smiled at first but then grimaced probably scared of the idea of being alone, scared of the idea that he might come back, haunted by what could happen next. As I whispered gently in her ear I felt her shiver at my touch. 'We don't need to worry about that now, just relax… Now as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, see me safely through the night, and wake me with the morning light.' By the time I had finished she was breathing softly in my arms, smiling as she slept.


	10. Chapter 10

'How about the school, I'm sure Michael would make an agreement, it could be a lesser formal one some of the older kids can go like they did for Janeece?' I chirped happily lounging out on the sofa, hands behind her head relaxing. 'Well for someone who wanted to wait you seem to have a good idea of what you want eh.' Nikki replied kissing my temple walking past with the washing basket. 'Nik you don't have to do all this you know!' I kept reminding her sternly. 'Lo its fine I know you're healed but I want you to relax.' Nikki smiled back. I then pulled Nikki on top of her firmly by her shirt wrapping her arms around her neck breathing in her scent. We kept brushing up against each other, cosily embracing kissing each other deeply until Ellie walked in. 'What you doing mummy?' I blushed loosening the grip on Nikki; thank god they hadn't taken it a step further otherwise that could have been trickier to explain. 'You'll learn when you're older sweetheart, anyway what did you want?' I asked. 'Mummy I'm bored can I go in the pool please.' She begged her eyes sparkling at her mum laid out in her lovers comforting arms. 'Alright then, go get dressed and wait for us, we can swim together.' Giving into Ellie's pleas before going back to where she was. Once Ellie had skipped out the room I turned into Nikki 'Now where were we.' winking.

I found myself perched on the edge of the bed stomach churning slightly dismissing the feeling as a post-hospital stay. It had only been a few weeks ago that I had been discharged from hospital with some pain relief and Nikki attending to me bedside at first whilst I rested and didn't do anything except sleep, eat, wash, sleep, sleep some more; it had bored me so much. As a business woman I loved being up and active, seeing to my colleagues and making sure they were all busy, although meetings were boring they kept me occupied but I had to do with emails and telephone calls, everyone knew I was in hospital and resting as Sonya couldn't shut her trap. I sat there with my hand on my stomach, breathing in deeply to keep the sickness away until Nikki came out of the bathroom in checked swimming shorts and a black bikini top, her gorgeous abs on display her curves hidden deep in the shorts. 'Hey beautiful you not changed yet? You ok?' she said nodding towards how I was sat on the bed. I snapped back into reality. 'What….yeah….huh…..I'm going in the bathroom now.' I said clambering of the bed. 'You sure because we can talk!' Nikki said as I slammed the bathroom door quickly falling into tears.

Nikki's point of view:

'Nikki I'm changed….Is mummy ready?' Ellie bounced, how she had so much energy Nikki didn't understand. 'She'll be ready soon gorgeous how about we get started then she can join in.' I suggested and Ellie beamed at me clutching my hand. Ellie slid into my arms splashing me with water laughing as I spat out a mouthful pushing my now sopping wet hair out of my face. 'You can't get me.' She laughed doggy-paddling with her armbands attached trying to get away quickly but not going very far at all. I wanted to laugh at the effort she was putting in, trying so hard waving her little arms and legs flailing in the water making splashes and ripples without moving an inch. 'Ready or not here I come.' She squealed with pleasure when I caught up with her tickling her waist covered by a peppa pig swimming costume. Eventually Ellie begun to question whether Lorraine was actually going to be coming downstairs. 'Nikki where'd mummy go?' she whimpered, probably hurt as she wanted to swim with her. 'I'll go check on her in a second beautiful, come here.' I help my arms open and she jumped willingly into them.

I rubbed her dry quickly leaving the towel wrapped around her small shoulders to prevent her from shivering and leaving puddles on the kitchen floor or slipping over. 'Where's your towel?' she asked as I padded around the kitchen scooping her a little ice cream on a cone, a small wafer bear, one of her favourites so I'd been informed. 'Here you go!' Handing her the ice cream her smaller pudgy hand took hold of it. 'Thank you mummy two.' She giggled. There was an instant warm feeling in my stomach, she had called me mum. Kissing her wet hair that smelled of chlorine I made my way upstairs to see where Lorraine had gotten too.

The room was empty and quiet but there was a sniffling sound behind the bathroom door. 'Lo.' I knocked quietly barely above the sound of silence, the sound of settling. If there was anything settling for Lorraine, the idea and the feeling made me give an absent minded smile. I opened the door to find Lorraine curled up almost foetal position with tears trickling down her red blotchy cheeks. 'You're not ok are you?' I knelt down besides her, relinquishing my hold I had earlier as she buried her head into my chest until her tears ran dry. She shook her head roughly gagging bringing up almost bile as she hadn't eaten for a while. I rubbed her back sliding her hair into a makeshift pony tail. I worried about her so much 'What are you thinking?' I questioned at the same time as helping her to her feet, watching as she brushed her teeth spitting it down the sink, I wish it was that easy to shake the anxiety and pain.

'I'm late.' Lorraine looked up through blurred eyes, this blurred space between us and what had happened, something we'd tried to forget, everything came rushing back. I ran my hands through my hair pulling slightly. 'You don't think?' I instantly regretted asking scared for the answer, she shrugged sobbing. 'Come here.' I waved my finger towards me; she followed like a lost child at school. I pulled her up so her legs were around my hips, arms around my neck. Running my thumb across the unblemished skin. 'I'll get a test…it could be a false alarm?' I suggested never imagining myself to be in this situation ever since I came out as a young girl, false pregnancy alarms and scares on the very back of my radar.

Sometime later I found myself praying to god that a part of this monster wouldn't infect the beautiful body of Lorraine. I couldn't imagine the pain of having to drag up unfinished business from the ground and replant it all building a firm foundation all over again. A plus sign, a little pink dash and something that would change the way we think forever.


	11. Chapter 11

I groaned as Nikki pushed back the curtains, sliding back under the bed covers. 'Lo time to get up.' She smiled too sickly sweet for me. I just moaned more as she sat down on the edge of the bed wrenching the covers away from me leaving me cold. 'Eughhh Nik.' 'You moan too much, look it's a beautiful day outside and its Ellie's first day at school.' She reminded me pulling me up slightly under my arm. The churning and waves of sickness got worse and I vomited all over her before bursting into tears. Ellie stood in the doorway 'Ewwww sick.' She looked slightly green. Nikki put me down before talking Ellie down calmly, my Boston Bruiser knew how to calm any situation. 'Ellie sweetheart, I know it's not nice but can you go play in your room for me, I'll sort you out in a minute.' 'Ok mumma, mummy feel better soon.' 'Thanks sweetie.' I replied through the sniffles. She skipped off going to find her dollies with under her arm.

'Come on Lo, let's go in the shower.' I got up and after cleaning my teeth to get rid of the taste and to bring back the mint fresh feeling. After I found myself in Nikki's clothes arms in the heat of the water. It was trickling down my back as I felt her playing at my shirt, unstrapping my bra. I smirked letting her lips brush over mine. Pretty soon we were in a full make out session, exploring the innards of Nikki's mouth with my tongue fighting for dominance in her soft mouth. Nikki slid her hand down my pants letting them fall of the floor as I replicated every move she made to me. 'You're feeling better.' She smiled winking. 'Hhmmm much better, I'll blame the hormones.' I giggled, leaving my hand on the curve of her hip pulling her close to feel and enjoy the skin on skin contact. Her hand slid over my abdomen resting there before planting a kiss on my forehead. I nibbled on her ear before going back to the passionate kissing with a woman I couldn't possibly love any more than I did.

'Right Ells you'll be fine I promise baby.' I said watching her leave me to go into Nursery for the first time, her little bag on her back. The perfectly uncreased uniform that was guaranteed to be ruined by the end of the day. Her hair up in a small pony tail; long, blonde and beautiful. She looked too small to be leaving my nest. I felt so uncertain, uneasy about letting her leave. It was a strange feeling that when I was at work not many people actually knew that I was a mum until Sonya opened her loud gob. Nikki rubbed my hand as I climbed back into her Mitsubishi Warrior, she had given me the space I required figuring that for the first time I had wanted to enjoy the experience alone but she was going to come back with me later.

Today was one of those days just clock watching; I spent the day distracted from everything and everyone. I found myself dragging Nikki out earlier waiting ready to pick Ellie up. The nursery teacher a woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties came out of the classroom. Ellie ran over to Nikki allowing herself to be scooped onto Nikki's hip beaming; she'd obviously had a good time. 'Look mummy I made a picture!' she handed out the painting to me; it was me, Nikki and Ellie standing on the beach under a rainbow all smiling. Being little she didn't understand the significance others saw to Ellie having two mums. This woman clearly disapproved as she heard Ellie refer to both of us as Mum.

Nikki snuggled Ellie tighter into her arms twirling her around as Ellie giggled 'More, more.' She was chanting. I wouldn't have minded about what was going to happen next except it was plain wrong, Ellie was a happy child, anyone could see that. The woman just looked shocked and disappointed, before going on about how Ellie seemed like she was missing something compared to other children. 'We seem to have some issues with Ellie, she won't play with any boys, and she spent the time with girls.' The woman retorted trying to make an issue out of nothing. 'And that's a problem how?' I replied angrily my hormones surging. 'Lo.' Nikki murmured trying to calm me down sensing that I was becoming distressed. 'She clearly needs some male influence in her life, does she spend any time with her father or uncles or any males in the family?' she questioned frowning at me. 'I don't see how this is any of your concern!' I gritted my teeth. 'I only have your daughter's best interests at heart.' I raised my fists groaning 'How dare you talk to me about…' 'Lo…..come on this isn't a good idea sweetheart.' Nikki put Ellie down holding onto my hands before I did anything, quickly mumbling an apology in her direction before taking us home. The tears were rolling down my face before we'd even left. 'Sweetheart I know it's hard but that wasn't the way to act.' I groaned, did no one understand? I stared out the window seeing my reflection, the salty taste of tears had only just begun as they trickled off my chin. 'Did you see the way she looked at us though?!' Nikki just sighed.

'Lo dinners on the table and Ellie wants you to tuck her in.' Nikki peeped through the crack in the door. 'I'm not hungry.' I clutched the pillow tightly needing security, my stomach rumbling slightly as I could really devour it but what was the point knowing it'd be up ten minutes later. 'What about Ellie?' she reminded me. I sat up slowly tangled hair, red puffy eyes. Nikki looked sad and heartbroken at what I looked like. 'I'll say you said goodnight.' Before closing me in this box; I felt trapped.

The cramping had started earlier and I had dismissed this feeling as something common during pregnancy or just the nerves of Ellie's first day, but lying awake at night tossing and turning I knew it wasn't right. Nikki lay besides me sleeping peacefully with a small smile on her face. Waking her now; what if it was a false alarm? What if something bad was happening? I decided to ride out the pain; I mean how I could possibly burst the bubble of our happiness and security. Even with me being a right cow she was behind me every step of the way.

We were planning on keeping the baby; even knowing where it came from, it was a part of me. It deserved the chance at a life and I know Nikki would be a good mum and Ellie would be thrilled at the chance to be a sister. ? I mean I could give the child a great, comfortable lifestyle with everything they needed and wanted but money can't buy you love, Nikki had shown me how to love and deal more with my emotions. Eventually I woke up with the piercing pain and a shriek of despair at how I felt. I felt sick at the sight I beheld. I nudged Nikki awake shaking her shoulder, my eyes streaming and hers so sleepy. She awoke rubbing them trying to get a figure over this thing. 'Huh…Lo?' She rolled over cupping my face in the confusion. As she flicked on the light as saw her face so stunned.

The perfect circle of blood, a miscarriage, our baby died. 'What…..no…..this isn't right?!' Nikki exclaimed sitting up quickly more alert, all nerves on end. I held my fingers nearer to the light; they were all red and blood-stained. Her eyes flickered towards the bed sheets between my legs, underneath was all soaked. I had lost the baby and any luck and happiness that came with it.

'Lo… 's….o..ok.' Nikki embraced me; tears had succumbed to her eyes as well. She didn't believe we were ok and I know she was as sad as I was. I folded my arms around her neck tightly pulling myself onto her lap. We sat there for hours until our tears had run amount we cried I'd have sworn they had a colour.

We had everything together; love, security, money, each other, Nikki, Ellie and our baby. Maybe nothing was meant to be. After today and these simple things that were insignificant small things really, I realised our perfect family wasn't so perfect at all.


	12. Chapter 12

I laid there, Nikki holding onto my hand so tight I thought it would drop off. It seemed like I had been there forever. The doctors were fiddling with down below and I tried not to blush, it wasn't like they hadn't seen anything like it before. I was awaiting my D and C procedure, just to make sure it had all really gone as it had been an incomplete miscarriage. We had lost out on luck, one of the unlucky people. It hadn't gone to plan. I'd seen the baby on a scan, a dark smudge looking like a miniature alien but it was there with a beating heart, more alive than ever. To sit here now, still hung up on pain meds holding onto my dried up barren womb, gripping tightly onto my shirt to hold in what wasn't there. She was likely to leave me for someone who was ready, sure and able to give her all she desired. I didn't know how to feel staring at the ceiling or the walls trying to forget where I was and why I was there.

She was there for me, but it wasn't the same. It was like along with the baby we'd lost the unconditional love or something. Like she was grieving but I couldn't understand what she'd been through. The blood-stained sheets had been chucked away, too far gone to save, if this was the fate of our relationship what did I have to go on? If only it was that easy to throw the emotions outside but this bright spirited benefactor within me was in the dark place. 'It won't hurt, you shouldn't feel a thing.' The doctor assured me before beginning to dig around. It was too late to tell me I wouldn't feel anything. If only God could have promised me to feel no pain. The idea that if I didn't know what pain felt like Ellie wouldn't be here right now. She's with Sonya; she still hasn't got a clue. I'm not sure what's worse now, losing a baby before I have the chance to feel it kicking and moving or losing someone so young. Choosing to rid of this beating heart or pushing out a dead part of you? It was all playing on my mind like a carousel of emotions, wherever I choose to lay my hat seems wrong.

I sat there craving Nikki's warm touch, to feel the happiness again, the security we had felt that night before waking up in pain. I wondered what I'd be like to go to sleep and not wake up in a worse state, to wake up happy with my ever growing swollen abdomen. For Nikki to wrap her arms around me, holding me close whispering I was still beautiful even though I felt like a beached whale. For Nikki to hold my hand and tell me she still loves me and is proud as I screamed out for an epidural. Or to come home driving carefully with the car seat in the back. To bring the baby into the room for the first time, a rainbow and a blue sky, or a sunset painted carefully on the walls. A Noah's ark with all the smiling animals off to the better world, how could the world be better now? Was this the punishment for my sins?

Being gay like I am; seemingly a sin in the eye of God but something to behold in front of Jesus that we love each other and share this spirit with others. I felt a surge of jealousy at the others, the couples that had it easy. They could get some of their sperm and just do it again, try and try again or see what led to the failure. All they could say to me was just bad luck. I would sit there as many hours as it would take or just pray that everything would be alright but to be honest now I don't believe that this life has an end. Or if there is an end; the version of hell that they all see is this. They claim I am done, just another person, another life taken away before it has the chance to live, to breathe to love and to lose. My head aching, my body bruised as the sun set on us. The heartache and the now throbbing pain to be fixed with some calpol or ibuprophen was the only thing giving me a sign, reminding me I was alive.

'Can we have a service….you know just I think that?' I looked up at Nikki that evening cuddling on the sofa with the tears forming steadily in my eyes. She silenced me with a tender kiss. 'Of course beautiful.' I could tell she felt helpless like she should have done something to save it, make it all better, in the end of the day it would all be irrelevant, it would have happened anyway. We can't blame anyone. 'I've realised we can't blame anyone or anything I mean we still have Ellie we should be grateful that she's a happy healthy girl, we can always have our own baby…..you could carry?' I suggested sitting up slightly my hand on her thigh. Nikki looked scared before trembling stuttering out the words 'Yo..you….would want that?' muttering. 'Only if you wanted I mean we can think things through. This is what I said before the following week.

Any hope or dream had been cruelly stolen from us as we saw the car with the miniature empty coffin, ready to set up a small burial site for the baby that existed but was never really there. I don't know where to go from here, if there is a road I should walk, help me find it, if I need to be still give me a peace for the moment, I will trust in you. This seemed to get me through it, those simple orchids sitting on top of the pile of earth that I tried to hold in my arms but it kept running through like a lost life. Coming home seeing Ellie snuggled onto the sofa with a blanket her blurry eyes opening and the squeal of delight at the sorry sight of us; this was the reason we carried on.


	13. Chapter 13

One month ago; one month since I laid on that table and a lot had happened since. The plans for the wedding immediately jumped forward after the short service myself and Nikki made for the baby that was never really there but a part of us, a part of us forever. I had refused to take Ellie to school alone point blank convinced that the surge of anger I had felt for that woman caused the miscarriage; it wasn't true of course it was an anomalous result something that just occurred, no one could have stopped it and no one could explain why. Ellie enjoyed school but recently was becoming a bit withdrawn and when we tried to send her she always kicked off. I believed she was having trouble making friends all because she was misunderstood for having two mums, something that didn't matter but the other children wouldn't understand and neither did she really. It was hard explaining to a little girl that sometimes society had a cruel view on reality.

Anyway all those bitter feelings aside; today is the day, the day I declare my love for Nikki in front of everyone. I had been gushing for today as well as some paperwork was also going to be signed to show Nikki as a legal guardian for Ellie, I wanted her dad out of her life, having two mums wasn't going to make her any worse off, Nikki was a perfect parent and Ellie loved her.

Sonya nudged my arm until I was aware of what was going on around me. Ellie our little bridesmaid flower girl came in with her long blonde hair flowing down, a small daisy placed on her head, a little replica of what I looked like. 'Baby girl come here.' She giggled hugging me. 'You look gorgeous.' I kissed the top of her head. 'Mumma you look pretty like a princess!' she gushed. Tom came in the room then 'Ready to go?' he was helping Nikki as her best man but came to collect our little girl to take her down the aisle to her seat at the front, plan being I was to follow on with Sonya from behind. Even our mum made it as Sonya 'Lorraine' said her 'friend' was getting married. 'Right Sis this is it.' Sonya rubbed my arm crying softly already. 'Son, there's no need to cry.' I fixed my eyes down the aisle as someone so breathtakingly beautiful turned around; Nikki.

I stared in awe at her and she stared back smiling wiping away what seemed like tear drops, I a minute we'd be wed and I could introduce her as my wife. We were in a church as I had wanted a traditional wedding but it was gay-friendly as not to scare anyone with Leviticus and the evil spells of hatred. I didn't really know what I was expecting, mum had kept us out of it as children, not being invited or accepted into family events. I don't think Nikki could have looked any better if she tried I couldn't feel the tears trickling happy, perfect until I felt her soft marbled finger reach up to clasp my cheek in her hand and wipe it out from under my eye. 'Lorraine you look stunning.' She whispered kissing the side of my head before encasing my hand with hers. 'Nikki I love you.' I giggled kissing her on the lips, there was a sudden noise from the Priest 'Um, I haven't said kiss the bride yet.' He laughed winking clearly accepting of our love, no need for witnesses.

Sonya gave me away to Nikki, being such a huge part of my life and Ellie's even though I had Nikki to have and to hold, share problems with she'll be there, that I could promise. She'd grown up with me, when times were tricky and sad and the happy milestones in my life and hers we'd been able to celebrate together, I'd even given her the job at Waterloo Road, where we were having a reception after.

Everyone smiled and the warmth was unbelievable as we declared our love to each other out loud and proud for everyone to see, there was no one that could laugh or point a finger. I'd found the person to keep me safe, not someone that was going to run off if someone did revert me back to my teenage days, discovering my sexuality feeling torn and used and running away, spending countless hours crying , it wasn't going to happen anymore. This was a day I could add to the best days of my life. 'I now pronounce you wife and wife you may now kiss the bride.' Putting emphasis on the word now, I wasn't going to jump the gun this time, I was ready and this moment was perfect.

We both kissed with so much passion and emotion as everyone was cheering and standing up clapping. A lot of the crowd were in tears; the people that loved and cared for us the most. Sonya jumped up hugged me and then Nikki her arms warm, safe to run to even now as a grown up now married woman. Ellie ran up 'Mumma.' Nikki picked her up giggling. We were a family.

We got to Waterloo Road and now the party in full swing; the disco with the music and food all prepared courtesy of Sonya being convincing, Maggie being an amazing chef and everyone at the school who chipped a piece in. Some people getting tipsy and they'd be off Nikki's list for once; a time for celebrations although I stuck with one small glass and then water, nothing looked tackier that a drunken bride. Time for our first dance, Nikki led me onto the dance floor and it was like our first I didn't see or hear anyone else of anything going on around us except Nikki's gorgeous eyes fixated on mine. One song, one dance, one night, one moment. Your song by Elton John.

I rest my head on her chest listening to the deep breathing and the beat of our hearts in perfect sync. Slowly we made our way around the dance floor, I was trying to avoid stepping on her feet in these heels so I kicked them out from under my feet as Nikki swung me around in her arms, I shrieked. We finished with all the speeches; mine being extremely emotional by this time and I was in absolute sobs from Nikki's kind words that touched my heart and Sonya smiling from a distance Ellie sat on her lap sleepily. 'Right you two, we'll see you tomorrow, have a nice night.' She took Ellie out to her car, they were going to give us a night to enjoy being together, who knew what was going to come next.

'This way my love.' Nikki guided me to the plush bed where she helped me out of my clothes; they lay tangled in a pile on the floor. 'I didn't think I'd be the marrying kind but Nikki I love you so much and our daughter Ellie, we're a proper family.' 'Lo, I love you too and Ellie.' She kissed my nose before running her hand softly down my back tracing the contours of my spine enfolding me tightly. 'God you're beautiful.' She whispered. Here we were, waiting to hold each other. There was nothing that could break us apart, spooning each other comfortable listening to the rain pattering away on the rooftops, after a full day of sunshine.

Suddenly the door burst open. 'OMG LORRAINE, NIKKI COME QUICK!' 'SONYA!' I shouted, she'd better have a bloody good reason for coming here now! 'What is it?!' Nikki arose from the bed pulling a dressing gown around her; thank god we hadn't gotten rid of the underwear yet. Panic, adrenaline rushed through my veins as I heard the words 'Ellie's gone missing.' A sob and then my world, the world I knew went instantly black and I felt nothing but succumbed to the darkness and this same empty feeling.


	14. Chapter 14

I awoke to find myself upright, strapped in, enclosed in the car. Nikki's Mitsubishi warrior powering down the road, weaving in and out of traffic in the direction of Sonya's pointed finger and shouts. For me I felt underdressed, I didn't like other's seeing me without a face full of makeup and my dress and heels, sitting here sleepy eyed in pj's and socks now wide awake with Nikki's hand clawing mine tightly. Waves of that familiar nauseous feeling arose as we hit the speed bumps, Nikki's car almost breaking them in two.

Pretty soon we arrive at a building that I used to know oh so well. Crumbling and demolished, memories of myself crying myself to sleep, feelings of this guy's warm body pinned against mine. Escaping with Ellie as a little tot, holding her close and safe wrapped up warm in my arms. Never thinking I'd have to feel the same again, selling the business and running away towards a new horizon and life. As the sun set deeper over the buildings as the summer was approaching, my sun had set faster, now in a full eclipse.

I forget to be careful of the car door, the road pressing against the pads of my feet as I burst in the door with Nikki and Sonya at tow. I turn a corner and come face to the face with the man who made my life a horror. If this had happened at school there would be a ring of students pushing and shoving each other screaming FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT. There was no one to scream or cry out just silence in this damp dark room. The dust collecting on the window frames like the janitor had neglected it, the almost moonlight catching on the window. Light reflecting the horror within.

Nikki's deep breathing reminded me I wasn't alone. One step and 'STOP WHERE YOU ARE DON'T MOVE!' He shouted with raspy breaths. 'Ok let's be rational…..'Nikki stated but suddenly stopped, I turned to see a bit of metal pressed against her temple with the power to kill a hundred men. Ellie was standing in the corner sobbing. 'Mummy.' I stepped towards her, the gun was swung to face me, and the guy I once knew disappeared with the blink of an eye. Nikki edged towards me to distract him. The gun literally swinging between me and Nikki; Sonya was nowhere to be seen.

Life in slow motion come to a standstill before a voice spoke. 'I need to be in control for once.' He spoke pacing up and down tapping the gun lightly against his leg. Sirens sounded in the distance and it all came back to haunt us. The same as it always would. 'We can sort this out.' I pressed reminding him, maybe even with this false promise he'd let us go. 'Daddy…..' Ellie looked up at him and I almost saw a human like quality in his eye, a tear as he looked into his daughter's eye. In that moment the trigger was pulled and a shot fired. I jumped down to the ground, crouching away and another shot fired. He killed himself. Lying in a blood-stained heap pouring out blood, like my soul and the rush of emotions like the sense of security now this monster had left the face of the earth.

Nikki's hand clasped on my shoulder. 'Lo….' 'It'll be ok…' I replied. She pointed me in the direction of the opposite side of the room to the mess; it wasn't just Luke that had found his peace. Ellie had a stunned expression on her face. My eyes briefly met Nikki's; I leap to my feet rushing over to my little girl. Nikki stood solemnly in the corner. She wasn't saying it would be ok, she was warning me something bad was happening.

We didn't want to startle her; for deep down we both knew there was nothing to do to help her. The cruel world I had tried to protect her from had come back and slapped us against the face hard. I removed her top to reveal a massive wound on her abdomen. I held the pressure of her shirt against it for a few minutes, Nikki standing over the top of me as Police rushed in to the scene unfolding before our eyes. 'Mummy?' Ellie asked confused lying with her head in my lap. '_On the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true, so they sprinkled moon dust in your hair and golden starlight in your eyes are…..' _Close to you by The Carpenters had been one that I would sing to her, one when she went to sleep, watching her close her eyes now. Blinking back the tears, I broke down in Nikki's arms as she stopped breathing and her soul slipped away. The tyrant, the one who ruled over us, hadn't only ruined my life, he'd taken my daughter away from me too and this was something that I was going to have to live with.


	15. Chapter 15

The compressed air was tearing my lungs apart. Dead at scene. My daughter, my little girl, Ellie. Nikki's voice shook from beside me 'What…what happens now?' she quietly asked her eyes boring a hole in the back of my skull as I stared at Ellie still holding her head on my lap with my smudged makeup messy and tears that had fallen so fast they appeared to have a colour, unlike the emotions I was feeling. The taste of salty pain running down my pale cheeks, the moonlight highlighting on the dead look and feeling. 'Well we'll need to remove her body.' They nodded towards where I was sat. 'Ok and erm…..' 'A funeral will be organised. I assure you we give you are deepest condolences, it's terrible if there is anything we can do? Take all the time you need.' The stood in the doorway breathing deep the scent of petrichor; the after math, the smell after the rain. They could deal with this, they dealt with it daily, they were paid for it. There was no rulebook on how to deal with death for dummies. As a young woman I didn't think these types of emotions could be possible.

'Lorraine we need to move….please sweetheart.' My red patchy cheeks and eyes turned to face the dark blue thoughtful ones. Anything I knew or felt left me as they tore my little girl away from me, away from this world. A black body bag. Something I had observed on CSI and tv shows, not something that was actually real. The terror overthrew me and I vomited, all over the floor and all over Nikki, narrowly missing Ellie.

We all sat in the back of a Taxi. We were in no fit state to drive apparently and Nikki's car would be brought back tomorrow. Sonya had been left at her house and myself and Nikki left in the empty home with memories of her everywhere we looked even the fridge; her rainbow drawing, those smiles made me sick. Nikki suggests an early night, I turn in after her immediately.

Hours after tossing and turning, Nikki fast asleep. I tip-toe out of her grasp. Street lights on bright flashing in my eyes. I can't get the image of her, supposedly asleep out of my head, a horror that will never leave, it'll follow me around constantly how will I cope with life? The blades of the kitchen fan whirl above my head. How can I process this, why should I have too? Just a minute before I was at the hotel and the reception with Nikki in our happily ever after and now I'm sat at home, pamphlets on the table suggesting counselling to get over grief or to be able to manage with it anyway. Cope with something that entangles my mind, stops me breathing. I've lost something irreplaceable and I instantly feel the rush of guilt, I should have been there to protect her, should of held her more, told her I loved her, quit my job to be with her. I should have died instead.

Everything grinds to a halt as I press my hands cool and fast to the kitchen side. An immediate moment of silence before I react. Faster than a gun, yes that pun, a gun, a lousy piece of metal taken in as evidence from the scene. I do this without thinking; anything to take myself out of this unthinkable situation. The blades from the fan feel jammed against me stopping me from breathing or rationally thinking. Heavy feelings in this dark silence, I scream. Garbled sounds every word getting stuck mumbling out of my mouth as I call her name; Ellie. My tears splash against the floor as I throw plates around the kitchen, smashing everything as I go. Upturning the table and throwing a chair. I wasn't used to not getting my way.

With a broken hear I turned to face Nikki standing there looking at me with the deepest feelings in her eyes. 'Lorraine…' she spoke quietly trying to understand everything I felt. 'Think of me not dead,only gone a while,to return on a sunny day,as the wind blows you a reminder, and crossing your mind, I enter your heart and fill your soul, with the love of forever, and forever our love is reminded until I return to you.' 'She really has gone hasn't she?' I muttered, a small nod, tears succumbing to her too. Nothing could reach me at this time, not even her arm around my waist her chin resting on my forehead, a soft kiss against my temple, trembling lips crashing together. I felt like I had been anesthetised as I turned to throw the glass at her face. It was only when the cut begun to pour blood that I realised what I had done and the monster I had become.


	16. Chapter 16

Waking up late the next day in a pile of your own vomit has to be one of the worst ways to let the light flood your iris. A banging headache; remembering the night before in flashes. Except this time I remembered it all, something I regretted….yes, but to make it better…I wasn't sure. I was alone so I stood in front of the mirror. A blonde tangled mess, streaked mascara, discarded cigarettes. I only smoked rarely; it was a disgusting habit of mine. Something Nikki hadn't witnessed yet. I smoked sometimes after he used to force me to do things, it made me feel in control, a strong independent woman. Not strong enough to save her child though. I let it run through my mind once more, thinking and feeling as the tears fall, you'd think by now I'd be used to letting them fall but it hurts.

It wasn't the cut, watching the blood fall to the floor. Yet at the same time it was. I saw the fear leave my shadowy eyes and forecast itself deep into hers. I forgot that she'd be hurting too. I'd chucked Nikki a towel and watched as she held pressure and elevated her arm without a state of frenzy, she'd been calm. The silence in the room was only broken with the whir of the ceiling fan and the cars on the road outside. In my spacious home all I could feel was pressure and suffocation. Remembering the death and the time he had pinned me down. Everything felt like it was narrowing down on me. Even my body felt like it wasn't itself but I had found the consequences to be again a positive pink line after the miscarriage but he had done it to me when I'd been pinned down and then out in hospital recovering. I had only found out that night, the night she died. I couldn't keep it, what was I to do?

That night I stormed out leaving Nikki standing there hopeless and lost for words. I got pissed and slept at a motel. Yes I know alcohol wasn't a sensible way to deal with this situation but I'm fucked and out of options. Maybe losing control was my way of coping; I'd been there before on the rebound and last time I bounced back. This time it didn't seem like it could be the easy way. I'd written on a forum and looked up actually typed in Google, the search engine about how to cope. Everyone saying feeling numb and disconnected was normal. It seems like a dream. But I didn't I feel like some things that used to bring me joy and security mainly Nikki right now was evoking nothing at all, I didn't feel the safeness of her arms or the security of her smell. I needed protecting from myself. Feeling like this was dangerous.

I arrived back the next morning going to act like nothing happened at all. Ascending the stair case, letting my feet drag across the floor, no more effort than was actually needed to move. 'Lo…where have you been? The funeral director is waiting in the front room; he wants to talk about what we want from…what happened to you?' she asked furrowing her eyebrows in concern for like my health or maybe it was inner pity, something so out there, not like she could do anything to help me. Inside I was screaming out for pain and the need to cry all day and night in her arms. On the outside I was blank and didn't want any attention. If I could do anything to switch myself with Ellie or turn back time and save her then I would have done everything in my power. Spent more time with her on the wedding night, didn't keep her away. I partly blamed Nikki although really and truly she had nothing to do with it. 'Nothing…look let's just get this over yeah I've got other things to get on with.' I snapped barging past and sitting down as far away from her as I could pushing everyone who cared away from me.

'What about flowers?' He sat there with a massive leather bound book, probably expensive, noting down all the intimate details about the funeral we were planning. It made me think, how many of these meetings did he have in a day? Because we were all numbers, live until we die and then we don't matter. 'How about some daffodils, remember when Lily painted them at school and went on about they were pretty like you?' Nikki suggested tracing circles on her palm. The guy sat there quietly not wanting to interrupt the debate, watching everything unfold before his eyes. 'Do whatever the fuck you want.' I mumbled, hand on stomach eyes staring at the mantelpiece where her photo sat, slowly collecting dust the cobwebs appearing. 'Lo…' 'Obviously these decisions are hard.' The guy added. 'Lorraine Ellie was your little girl….it's ok to be hurting…ok.' 'OK! YOU HAVE NO IDEA NONE OF YOU DO! SHE WAS ALL I HAD AND NIKKI YOU'RE NOTHING. NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT ELLIE WAS! 'I instantly felt ashamed and turned bright red, all the hatred and blame filling up inside me rushing in my blood. Her eyes were sad, tears collecting. Deep and watery and for once she didn't say anything she just ran her hand over the plaster sitting on her arm from the night before. I didn't know where to look; any words I wanted to let form in my mouth just broke and melted in the heat. There was no one to save us from this darkness. Maybe me loving Nikki, letting herself love me, it might have all been a mistake; it shouldn't have happened.


	17. Chapter 17

I flick the light on; illuminating the dimples on her cheeks perfectly. If there was darkness outside in this cruel, unforgiving world then it was simply warm and passionate and loving in here. My hand doesn't need to stay limp or awkward placed behind my back; I find myself running my hand through her chestnut hair, pulling her close enough for my hip to touch hers gently. My lips seal delicate kisses all over her porcelain skin; one mile to every inch I could swear. Her pinky red mouth caressing mine; fiery and passionate. I let my hands slide under her vest top peeling it away from the milky skin that lies underneath, my cool hands running over. She smirks, nothing stopping me now. Our tongues battling for dominance inside each other's mouth, bubble-gum and smooth like those images of the cartoon school girls. Suddenly my back's pressed against the wall, something sexually suggestible or someone at their most vulnerable and I'm back remembering it was all just inside my head.

Insecurity. Pain. Hurt. Three words, they all came after the fourth, pressure and the need and want to be anywhere but here. 16; I feel this heavy body on top. I want to break free from underneath but I can't find the words not even a tremble escapes from my pursed, tight lips. I'm terrified and that is when I know that I wasn't ready for this. I was one of those girls, you know. One that thought they were all that. I didn't need my education, I could learn it all outside, what would I pick up from this crumbling building anyway? And Budgen's classes that stink of mould, rotting from the inside. They all said they'd done it and that I'd be left behind if I couldn't prove to be like that. The rasped breathes continue from above, beads of sweat forming at my head. My dry throat croaks, asking whether protection was used. I should have asked before I know but my sole purpose was to prove I could be like them, all the others ignoring my heart that said otherwise hammering against the bed sheets. Feeling detached from everything; oh mum would have a right tizzy of she knew what I had just done; she couldn't stop me no one could.

My heels click all the way down the corridor; momentarily I stop to observe my blood stained words on the wall 'You can start something from virtually nothing.' I remember when I said it; I remember it like it happened yesterday. All the students walking around, eyeing me up like I'm prey or something so vulnerable that needs saving, maybe I do. Deep down I know that. As that single tear cascades down my cheek I know I have done wrong. The whispers, the stares. 'Omg look at Miss!' I run my hand through my hair to cover my eyes before moving on. Reminds me of the time when I was 16; all the social anxiety and the reason I am like this, years of being hidden, bullied, tortured and now the insane feeling of freedom…..I'd like to move on with Nikki, maybe I could be happy. But what does happy even mean? And what does the world hold to me without my daughter, you could say my meaning of life was gone.

Recklessly like the rebel I am, I breathe in the cigarette fumes slowly. Hiding behind the bike shed, fuck am I going to English. To me and Erika this had become a usual; we sat here leaning on the wall, smoking and clearly conversing deeply about the world around us. Did her hair always look that slick, those gorgeous chestnut locks, perfectly matching those delicate features and entrancing dark eyes that you could get lost in? I'd had dreams, in my mind, about me and her. Girls didn't normally do this did they? But when did I do what was expected? Something that's considered normal? 'Ssshh Byrne 12 o'clock.' She grabbed me by the sleeve, my blazer entangling with hers slightly. Underneath all the smoke she smelt like that perfume. Giggling together, suddenly silent. Her eyelashes batting, they always seemed so long. I knelt in, pressed my lips against her. That's when he found us.

I'm reminded of the times when I was 16. After Erika spread that malicious rumour about me going lesbo. All because of one kiss. I could hit the bottle, but what would the intoxicating liquid do for me now, I could sit there and I could drink until the glass ran dry. It won't do anything for me, it won't make my problems go away. I used to hide in the toilets, the taste of vomit in my mouth as I ran my sleeve over my arm, tear stained cheeks intact. My problems rushing around my brain, the stress of school and life at home. Sonya had told mum about the rumours, of course I had denied them but my efforts seemed futile. They could all see the glint of a lie in my eyes. They whisper about me now; but what do they all know? They whispered about me then, sniggering because I was different, letters of hate posted in my lockers, death glares, and laughs. No one had pulled me out of this suffocation.

Nikki had been different, somehow I seemed ok holding her hand, running my thumb over her knuckles, anything to bring us closer together. I couldn't let her in now; I couldn't give in to my emotions. I feel sick as I see her walk away, not just the emotionless stunned silence holding me back. 'I'm not brilliant at dealing with emotions.' 'Yeah I got that.' She replied bluntly, staring at the ground below her feet. 'Makes me feel uncomfortable. I panic. Shut down.' Nik just moved her head uncomfortably, no sign of forgiveness in her stance. I found it hard letting her in, even now we were married it meant sharing my problems, admitting the feisty me was emotionally crumbling and hopeless. 'Well you're missing out on a lot.' A few nods we exchanged before I tried to explain myself to her, taking a huge step into the unknown. 'What I'm trying to say is…' 'Don't Lorraine. I understand and I sympathise. Ellie meant a huge deal and I can't understand what it'd be like to lose a child but I have loved and lost before. You'd need to let me in.' 'I can't.' I mumble pathetically, giving in to myself, it's not like I could change for anyone. I'm stubborn and too set in my ways, no one can help me. 'I'm not willing to put my heart on the line so you can get some practise at being a human being, sorry that's just the way it is.' She wrapped her hand around mine, revealing the smooth silver ring in my palm. It was over, this was it.

Again I'm driving home recklessly, not caring about anything in the world. My driving and feeling the wind in my hair, I should forget it all. If I was to shut my eyes for a second, maybe I'd imagine myself and Nikki, in out sea of love. I want to go back, willing myself to explain how much I love her. I want to tell her to come with me, to the sea, hold her hand and sit and watch the sunset. Take her home and have my way, we wouldn't even need to talk about what we'd do or where we'd go next, we'd just enjoy life right now. I remembered when we met, when we first kissed in the office. When she met Ellie, the bond they created between them. My thoughts changed to those of pain, heartbreak and sorrow. Gun shots and gently I try to wash away my anger. But when I close my eyes, I don't see any of it , all I can hear is the sensuously painful ringing in my ears, the unforgiving adolescents, not accepting the fact that we're all different, I can't even accept myself. So I just drive, because something so simple, not taking any strenuous thinking or feeling, this is what I'm good at.


End file.
